August 18, 2009

I recently watched the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice (mysteriously titled Pride & Prejudice!) on DVD. The characters were so markedly changed as to be nearly unrecognizable yet plot elements from Jane Austen’s original story were somewhat retained, so the film made no sense whatsoever. How bad was it? I wrote the following to amuse myself as the horror unfolded:

Oh dear, did a pig just run through Longbourn? And was that Mr. Bennet running after the pig? (Could there really be a reason to show pig genitals in a Jane Austen movie?) …Oh dear, did a pig just run through Longbourn? And was that Mr. Bennet (Donald Sutherland) running after the pig? (Could there really be a reason to show pig genitals in a Jane Austen movie?)

This can’t be Longbourn… this is Little House on the Prairie, right?… but wait, here’s someone they are calling Lizzy (Keira Knightley)… but her hair is down! And messy! Stringy, straggly hair, down, around, and all over the place in the Regency Period!

Next there is a dance at the local inn… Lizzy’s hair is up, but still stringy and straggly… Some mopey man they are calling Mr. Darcy (Matthew Macfadyen) arrives… This is Mr. Darcy? He doesn’t seem proud, he seems like he’s about to burst into tears…

Jane is ill at Netherfield and Lizzy says she will visit her… She has her hair down again!… After Caroline Bingley sneers at her hair (oh, dear, must this adaptation force me to side with Caroline Bingley?) Lizzy goes to Jane… Oh no he didn’t! Mr. Bingley just waltzed into Jane’s bedroom! Without so much as a by your leave!…

This isn’t going well at all… The actors playing Mr. Darcy and Lizzy are either phoning it in (which I suspect to be the case for Matthew Macfadyen who “didn’t bother” to read the book) or quite simply incapable of properly acting (which I know to be the case for Keira Knightley)…

On to the ball at Netherfield… False Lizzy, entirely lacking personal dignity, is brazenly scoping the joint looking for Mr. Wickham… She’s smirking and snickering, romping about like a petulant child… Now she is bickering so loudly with Mr. Darcy as they dance together, I’m surprised they don’t throw her out… Suddenly, awkwardly, everyone else on the dance floor disappears… Is something going on between these two? How subtle!

A Mr. Darcy who is not proud. A Lizzy who behaves nearly as badly as Lydia. What happened to the characters… the reason they are who they are and do what they do… what this says about life and society… the pride, the prejudice… Can anyone find a plot here?…

Now the ill-mannered False Bennets are chowing down at the trough… I wasn’t born a gentleman’s daughter in England during the Regency period, but my mother did tell me no elbows on the table… Half Pint showed better decorum at the dinner table than the Bennets…

How ghastly! False Lizzy is swinging barefoot in the mud amidst the barn animals on what must be the untidiest of farms!… I suspect even the poorest girls her age in the district would have behaved in a more ladylike manner than False Lizzy…

Lizzy visits Charlotte at Mr. Collins’ estate and oh, pigs again! “The pig is loose!”…

And a visit to Lady Catherine (Judi Dench)… What on earth was the hairstylist thinking? Lady Catherine looks like a messy Marie Antoinette…

Now here is Mr. Darcy again… He’s a dull stick to be sure and still appears about to burst into tears at any moment, but other than that just seems like a nice guy, despite Lizzy’s irrational foaming at the mouth every time she sees him…

Oh my goodness. Mr. Darcy is proposing to Lizzy outdoors in the pouring rain! I suppose it would be useless to ask why… Lizzy responds like an ill-mannered shrew… Mr. Darcy, the sad puppy, blinks the rain out of his eyes… Wait, is the puppy barking back? No, just as suddenly the puppy puts his tail back between his legs… Lizzy talks of Mr. Darcy’s “arrogance, conceit, and disdain” but when have we ever seen this?…

None of this makes any sense…

Back at Charlotte’s and Mr. Collins’ pig farm, Mr. Darcy the gentleman barges in upon Lizzy the lady while she’s in her nightclothes… Sad Puppy mumbles a few things to Shrew’s rudely turned back… She gapes as he dashes off…

Cut to False Lizzy shelling peas in the country kitchen at False Longbourn where False Aunt and False Uncle loll about like servants…

Lizzy visits Pemberley with her Aunt and Uncle… Lizzy is on the verge of something big, we know this because she’s standing at the edge of a precipice with the wind ripping through her stringy, straggly hair as her mouth gapes…

Inside Pemberley, Lizzy wanders through a hall of statues… She gazes longingly at a fine assortment of marble pecs and buttocks… What do you know, here’s a wholly out of place sculpture of Mr. Darcy! She gazes longingly at that, too… How subtle! Does Lizzy have the hots for Mr. Darcy?…

Cut to more mouth gaping as Lizzy learns of Mr. Darcy saving Lydia…

Now the Bennets are in town learning of Mr. Bingley’s return to the district and oh, the pigs are back, only now they are wandering about the center of town…

Now we see Farmer Bennet lolling in bed with his beloved (!) Mrs. Bennet, delightfully gazing upon her face as he turns to ravish her!… So I guess Mr. Bennet won’t be advising Lizzy not to marry someone someone she can’t respect in this adaptation…

Lady Catherine barges into Longbourn in the middle of the night, as though this would ever happen. Goodness, couldn’t they have even had Lady Catherine behave properly?… And Mr. Bennet, who is supposed to be a gentleman himself, lets her just barge in and even listens at the keyhole with Mrs. Bennet!… False Lizzy of course can’t say she’s a gentleman’s daughter as she did in the book, because in this adaptation she’s a pig farmer’s daughter… After gaping and glaring at Lady C, Lizzy screams at her family without explanation and stomps off…

And it gets worse… Here’s Lizzy out wandering about in her nightclothes again… And who should appear from the mist but Mr. Darcy! In his nightshirt, of course, conveniently open to reveal his manly chest… Elizabeth Bennet is decidedly no lady in this production but neither is Fitzwilliam Darcy a gentleman!…

Is this the second proposal scene? Say it isn’t so… But it is… False Darcy professes his love for False Lizzy… “You have bewitched me body and soul… I love… I love… I love… you…” he says, once again looking like he’s about to burst into tears, so much so that he can barely utter a complete sentence without stuttering… Lizzy as a witch?…

Mr. Darcy comically paces in plain sight while Lizzy tells Mr. Bennet they wish to marry… “He and I are both so similar, we are both so stubborn,” Lizzy says to her father… Jane Austen’s brilliant take on society is reduced to this tripe…

Thank goodness it’s over… but no, wait… Couldn’t they have ended there? With Farmer Bennett implausibly saying, show in any more men wanting to marry his remaining daughters, that he’d be at his leisure – although surely as a pig farmer instead of a gentleman, he must have lots to do in the morning?…

No, we must endure a tacky tacked-on ending sure to appeal to the Tiger Beat set (and really, who else would take this movie seriously?)… Yes, once again Lizzy and Mr. Darcy are outdoors in their nightclothes, this time sitting on top of a table a la Sixteen Candles… Lizzy invites Mr. Darcy to worship her before the moon (as mistress of the splendor that is Pemberley she insists Darcy call her “goddess” instead of witch)… “Mrs. Darcy…”, he chants (cringe)… “Mrs. Darcy…” (cringe)… “Mrs. Darcy…” (cringe)…

Thankfully… mercifully… it’s really over now…

Watch the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice instead. Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth (Lizzy) Bennet and Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy are pictured. This is how director Simon Langton shot the second proposal – no nightclothes, no mist, no stuttering from Mr. Darcy. If you haven’t yet, check out the book “The Making of Pride and Prejudice” – thoughtful preparation made the difference between a great adaptation and a perfectly dreadful one.





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"Probably, hanging onto the past brings more destruction than any other single cause. ...It's the Muslim fundamentalists who worship the past and ignore the reformist spirit with which Muhammad viewed women. It's the backward-looking Christian literalists who interpret religious teachings in a way that consolidates their power..." ~ Gloria Steinem

"'Inherent differences' between men and women, we have come to appreciate, remain cause for celebration, but not for denigration of the members of either sex or for artificial constraints on an individual's opportunity." ~ Ruth Bader Ginsberg

"Feminism is and always has been about women acting in the world as full-fledged citizens, as real participants in the world of ideas and policy and history." ~ Susan Faludi

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Not by women were designed.
Bells o'erthrown nor churches sacked
Speak not ill of womenkind."
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Nature

"Eventually, all things merge into one; and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs..." ~ Norman Maclean

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"God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand straining, leveling tempests and floods; but He cannot save them from fools." ~ John Muir

"The idea of wilderness needs no defense, it only needs defenders." ~ Edward Abbey

"We could never have loved the earth so well if we had had no childhood in it... Our delight in the sunshine on the deep-bladed grass to-day might be no more than the faint perception of wearied souls, if it were not for the sunshine and the grass in the far-off years which still live in us, and transform our perception into love." ~ George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans)

"Those who dwell, as scientists or laymen, among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life." ~ Rachel Carson

"When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world." ~ John Muir

Freedom

"The will of the people is the only legitimate foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object." ~ Thomas Jefferson

"A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood of ideas in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people." ~ John F. Kennedy

"I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." ~ James Madison

"When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion." ~ C. P. Snow

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." ~ Albert Einstein

"Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves." ~ William Pitt

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"No matter how big a nation is, it is no stronger than its weakest people, and as long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you might otherwise." ~ Marian Anderson

Truth

"Rules are not necessarily sacred, principles are." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

"If somebody tells you you ought to quit, it's because they're afraid you won't." ~ Bill Clinton

"The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." ~ Robert F. Kennedy

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"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Find things that shine and move toward them." ~ Mia Farrow

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Abuse of Power

"We can have democracy in this country or we can have great wealth in a few hands, but we can't have both." ~ Louis Brandeis

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"I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be." ~ Thomas Jefferson

Violence

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

"When men talk about defense, they always claim to be protecting women and children, but they never ask the women and children what they think." ~ Patricia Schroeder

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"What difference does it make to the dead whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?" ~ Mohandas Gandhi

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Hypocrisy

"And thus I clothe my naked villany with odd old ends stol'n forth of holy writ, and seem a saint when most I play the devil." ~ William Shakespeare

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"Being pro-choice is trusting the individual to make the right decision for herself and her family, and not entrusting that decision to anyone wearing the authority of government in any regard." ~ Hllary Rodham Clinton

Politics

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Pretended Patriotism

"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism." ~ George Washington

"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!" ~ Albert Einstein

"True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else." ~ Clarence Darrow

"When a whole nation is roaring Patriotism at the top of its voice, I am fain to explore the cleanness of its hands and purity of its heart." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them." ~ George Orwell

"To (say) that we are to stand by the president right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and servile, but it's morally treasonable to the American public." ~ Theodore Roosevelt
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